


heartburn

by neverwhere (nekrateholic)



Category: Gugudan (Band), VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/M, other minor ships - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 21:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11792235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nekrateholic/pseuds/neverwhere
Summary: The story of how Hakyeon makes some questionable life choices and takes way too long to deal with the consequences.





	heartburn

**Author's Note:**

> this started out as an Olymfics 2017 entry but, well, failed. obviously. its time has finally come, i guess.  
> title is from "heartburn" by architects because that song is made for hakyeon and sejeong's relationship

Hakyeon starts feeling his soulmate’s pain for sure sometime in second grade. His parents sigh in relief - he wasn’t born alone, after all. Usually by this time children have long since started feeling things - ghost pain from bumped knees and scraped elbows - but for Hakyeon, it was eight years of nothing.

And then suddenly, his face hurts - his forehead and his nose the most. It feels like - like he’d ran into a wall, except he’s been watching a cartoon on the couch for the past twenty minutes. His mom kisses the pain away, when he tells her, and then makes his favorite cookies in celebration.

Over the years that follow, his soulmate is rather quiet - sometimes there isn’t anything for months on end and Hakyeon is torn between being happy that they aren’t feeling pain and being worried it’s something much worse. Then his soulmate cuts their finger, or bumps their toe, and everything is okay again.

*

At nineteen, Hakyeon is a university student, in class, with cramps so strong they he can barely see straight. Somehow he manages not to run out of the hall in the middle of his professor going about - whatever he’s going on about, Hakyeon has no mental capacity left to pay attention. The second they are told they’re free, though, Hakyeon hightails out of there, to his dorm and in his bed, cursing both his soulmate and whatever is causing them the pain.

“It’s like they’ve been having a fucking surgery for the past four hours,” he says later, to a mildly concerned Minhyuk. “Well, fine, maybe not a surgery but goddamn it fucking  _ hurts _ .”

“Are you sure you’ll be okay? Do you want any painkillers or something?”

Hakyeon tries to laugh, but it only makes the pain worse. “Like pills would help, it’s not  _ my  _ pain I’m feeling. They should have the damn pills, why don’t they?!” 

Minhyuk looks apologetic and Hakyeon just buries his head under a pillow.

The pain subsides, eventually, although it’s a few days until it stops completely.

It’s when it starts again around the same time next month, that Hakyeon starts to suspect things.

“So your soulmate is a girl,” Minhyuk says cheerfully and Hakyeon would slap him, if moving didn’t hurt so much. A second later, Minhyuk frowns. “Wait, why are you getting ghost period cramps now? You’re well past the age of first time.”

“Fuck you, and a period does not necessarily mean a girl, you asshole. They could be a late bloomer or something. Or just really like hitting themselves repeatedly in the stomach every month.”

Minhyuk waves a hand dismissively, “The chance that she is - well, a she - is now way bigger now. I’m so glad I don’t have to experience that.”

Hakyeon really wants to slap him again but - pain. Minhyuk is one of those lucky assholes who found their soulmates early on - and he never fails to tell the story to anyone who’d listen - how his soulmate, an endearingly loud guy named Eunkwang, had accidentally slammed a door on Minhyuk’s fingers, then proceeded to scream louder than Minhyuk himself. They always retell it with matching, ridiculously fond expressions and Hakyeon is not jealous, no matter what Minhyuk says, but sometimes he just wants to slap them off their faces.

Right now, Hakyeon just tells Minhyuk to fuck off and prays his soulmate takes something for the pain before his test tomorrow.

*

They meet three years later. They meet - and it’s a disaster.

Hakyeon’s had a new roommate ever since Minhyuk moved in with Eunkwang, and Jaehwan is amazing, if a little annoying at times. The thing is, they became great friends, and somewhere along the line, Hakyeon became great friends with Jaehwan’s friends, too. 

Which is why they are now at a café with Jaehwan, meeting up with Sanghyuk, whose age Hakyeon doesn’t like to think about because it makes him feel old. He’s taken to treating Sanghyuk like a little brother, much to Sanghyuk’s annoyance - and Sanghyuk recently met his soulmate, so of course Hakyeon insisted they meet.

Sanghyuk arrives with two girls in tow and Jaehwan whistles. “Player.”

Hakyeon kicks him under the table. Sanghyuk glares, one of the girls blushes, but the other one laughs. “I’m only here for moral support.”

They exchange introductions - Nayoung is the soulmate and Sejeong is the moral support - and both of them seem so sweet, Hakyeon wonders if that’s what having children feels like.

Shit goes downhill when Sejeong says something Nayoung finds offensive and worthy of an arm slap. Shit goes downhill, because Hakyeon is pretty sure he felt it, too. He decides to test it, to be sure, praying he imagined it, or maybe Jaehwan accidentally hit him, or  _ something _ . Anything that would mean his soulmate is not the child in front of him.

He pinches his thigh, hard, where no one can see and - Sejeong yelps. Nayoung immediately drops the annoyed facade and her expression turns worried.

“I’m fine,” Sejeong says, most likely rubbing her thigh. Hakyeon wants to, too, because it still hurts, but that would be the worst possible idea right now. “I think someone just pinched my soulmate really hard.”

Sanghyuk waggles his eyebrows. “Maybe they’re getting some.”

Now it’s Sejeong’s turn to blush and Nayoung hits Sanghyuk, way harder than she did to Sejeong.

Hakyeon laughs, but he suspects it comes out more like a choke, because Jaehwan gives him a worried look.

“So,” Hakyeon says, ignoring him, and trying his best to sound nonchalant, “How old did you two say you are?”

“Oh,” Nayoung says, finally leaving Sanghyuk alone, “I’m Sanghyuk’s age and Sejeong is sixteen.”

“Nice,” Hakyeon manages, then excuses himself to the bathroom where his lunch finds its way down the toilet.

*

Jaehwan starts speaking as soon as they close the door to their dorm room. “Hakyeon, what -” 

“It’s her.” Hakyeon interrupts. It takes a lot to go and sit in his bed, and not just collapse on the floor like a fucking drama queen. “It’s her, she’s my soulmate and she’s fucking  _ sixteen _ . That’s six years, Jaehwan. Six! She’s a child for fuck’s sake. That’s - that’s why I felt nothing as a kid, she wasn’t fucking born yet.”

Jaehwan stays frozen. Then, “Well, at least you found her -”

“No.” Hakyeon interrupts again, voice final. He’s made the decision already. “I found no one. This hasn’t happened, Jaehwan, and I swear to God if you tell anyone, I’ll - I don’t know. Just don’t tell anyone.”

The anger slowly shifts until it feels a lot more like resignation than real anger. Hakyeon is tired. So, so tired.

“I won’t. But I do think you’re making a mistake. It’s not your choice only, you know.” Jaehwan says, but doesn’t argue further. Hakyeon is grateful.

“I know. And maybe if we’d met later, I wouldn’t have - but we met now. I can’t, Jaehwan. I can’t be that person, I can’t think of her that way.  _ I can’t _ .”

Jaehwan grits his teeth. “No one is making you think of her that way, love isn’t just sex and kisses. Soulmates aren’t just…” He slowly exhales. “Don’t you think she has a right to know, at least?”

“She does.” The headache is already making itself known and Hakyeon briefly wonders if Sejeong feels it, too. “But I won’t let her. I’ve never claimed to be a good person.”

“That’s not what -”

“Please,” Hakyeon says, voice hollow, “I just want to be alone for a second. Please.”

Jaehwan huffs, slams the door on his way out, but Hakyeon knows he’ll respect his decision in the end. It’s living with it that’s going to be hard.

*

Ignoring Sejeong proves to be easier than he’d anticipated - she’s a friend of Sanghyuk’s soulmate, and him and Sanghyuk barely see each other as it is. Hakyeon half-expects his entire life to change, for the air to taste different, maybe - for the world to be out to make him suffer in ways that have Sejeong’s name written all over them. Nothing happens. Except for a few carefully dodged meetups where Sejeong could potentially be, campus life goes on as it always has, his classes go as they always have, and the big change seems to remain in him only. 

Sometimes he finds himself wondering if Sejeong has a feeling, somehow, if she even remembers him. If she thinks about him from time to time. At first he fought those times with alcohol - but at some point it hit him that the splitting headaches each morning after probably happen to Sejeong, too, and a part of him broke at the thought he’s making her suffer unnecessarily. Now, he throws himself in books or classes or dancing - anything that would serve as an escape from the thoughts of a child being his life partner.

It rains on his graduation day, and Hakyeon thinks it’s fitting - a perfectly dramatic way to mark the end of his school life and the beginning of the adult one - as the cowardly jerk who ran away from his soulmate, like Jaehwan sometimes calls him. Sanghyuk is at the ceremony, too, as well as Nayoung. Hakyeon does not think about the pang of regret that he feels when he sees she didn’t need moral support this time.

*

He uses work to forget every pain in his body that is not his - sometimes creating more in the process. He thinks it’s both necessary and cruel - at least this way Sejeong knows she has someone, somewhere. She can live with the hope of meeting that soulmate someday and hope is a good thing - even if empty. Especially if a person doesn’t know about the empty part.

He moves to a city that’s a five hour drive from his home town - it’s the farthest he can afford, both financially and emotionally. As much as he wants to run away from everything, his family and friends back home are something too dear to his heart for him to move continents, like he initially planned. He still thinks about it, sometimes, still looks up plane tickets and potential accommodation in far, far away countries but - there’s always something. It’s either too hot or too cold, or too rainy, or the language is too hard. He always comes to the same conclusion: he just really doesn’t want to leave home for good.

*

Meeting Taekwoon goes something like this:

Hakyeon is drunk, Taekwoon is drunker and a little sweaty, his hair damp at the ends and shirt clinging to his body in a way that makes the leather jacket he’s wearing perfectly unnecessary but really fucking hot to Hakyeon’s fuzzy brain. They dance and then make out and it all culminates in Taekwoon taking him home and fucking him until Hakyeon can’t remember his name, much less the phantom pain in his abdomen.

Hakyeon decides to spend the night and it’s one of those choices in life that seem small and insignificant at the time, but end up being the deciding point of your fate.

*

Him and Taekwoon try dating and it works out for a while. That is, until Hakyeon realizes there is nothing particularly romantic about the way he makes breakfast for both of them when Taekwoon stays over. It feels more like when Hakyeon used to cook for Jaehwan, actually, and it is a startling thought because Hakyeon has never wanted anywhere near Jaehwan’s dick. So what did that make Taekwoon?

Taekwoon takes it surprisingly well when they talk about it, which only proves the point further - they work way better as friends.

It isn't far after that when Hakyeon gets drunk on cheap wine and tells Taekwoon all about his doomed love story. Taekwoon has more or less the same reaction as Jaehwan did - although Taekwoon is considerably less vocal about it - and drunk Hakyeon tries to explain, really hard, but passes out before he can get his thoughts in order.

*

With Taekwoon comes the unexpected bonus of a couple named Hongbin and Wonshik - both endearingly annoying and sickeningly sweet. It’s like they stepped out of every romance movie ever - met in high school, with Hongbin harbouring a crush visible from space for months before they actually met - at least that's Wonshik's side of the story, but with how whipped for Hongbin he currently is, Hakyeon honestly finds it hard to believe.

They don’t really mingle with Hakyeon’s friends from back at home partly because Hakyeon likes to keep his lives at home and at his parents’ home separate. Jaehwan doesn’t make it any easier by flat out stating he hates Taekwoon and everything about him, at first because he saw Taekwoon as the escape from reality Hakyeon used him as, and then because “he threatens my position as your best friend, okay, I hate that dude”.

*

Ten years later find Hakyeon living in the same city, a five hour drive from home - and the desire to move hasn’t been there for a while now. He has his own apartment now, his own dance studio, a social circle. People like him, his students love him, and yet when it's that time of the month, when the phantom pains are  _ constant _ and  _ more _ and Hakyeon needs  _ more _ to forget it's only one person he trusts enough to help him drown the pain.

When Hakyeon forgets his promise to keep himself (and therefore Sejeong) away from pain, Taekwoon is the only one he ever calls. Wonshik and Hongbin both think Hakyeon hasn’t found his soulmate yet and he thinks their love ( _ sweet _ and  _ fun  _ and  _ perfect _ ) will only hurt him more than the pain in his abdomen. 

Sometimes Hakyeon wonders if his non-physical pain is strong enough for Sejeong to feel. He knows emotions don’t count, he does, but sometimes it’s just  _ so much _ \- and he wonders. 

“You don’t have to do this to yourself,” Taekwoon told him once. “You can reach out to her, it’s been ten years. She’s perfectly capable of making her own decisions now. Maybe she always has been.”

“You said it” Hakyeon replied over a glass of wine. “It’s been ten years. How do I face her now, how do I tell her I’ve known all this time?” Hakyeon stared into his glass for a long while, like it held all the answers. “Maybe I deserve this. Maybe she’s better off with someone who will actually talk to her, appreciate her in all the ways I can’t.”

“You haven’t even tried to.”

A sigh. “And you’re really bad at making me feel better about it.”

Taekwoon dropped the subject, because Taekwoon was a good friend. It hadn’t really helped the monthly nightmares, however.

*

As much as Hakyeon avoids it, taking Taekwoon back home to meet Hakyeon’s parents is only a natural progress to their friendship. What’s weird about it is that 1. it took so long to do it, as his mother likes to point out and 2. Jaehwan is just as passive-aggressive to Taekwoon’s face as he is whenever Hakyeon happened to mention Taekwoon’s name in front of him (“He stole my best friend privileges! Fuck that guy.”). 

The weirdest part, however, comes in the form of the stray cat that Hakyeon’s parents sometimes feed. She viciously scratches Taekwoon when he tries to pet her and Jaehwan yelps from three feet ahead, clutching his arm. 

Jaehwan proceeds to spend the family dinner “accidentally” stabbing himself with his fork on places where forks have no reason to be at all. 

Taekwoon looks a little like he’s constipated as he says, “You are hurting yourself on purpose. You do realize that, right? You’re making yourself suffer to make me suffer.”

Jaehwan just grins and stabs the fork in his thigh. His eye twitches for a second, but the grin never fades, even grows wider at Taekwoon’s pained little gasp. “It’s absolutely worth it.”

Hakyeon’s mother sighs and his father tries really hard to not laugh. Hakyeon bangs his head against the table a few times.

(He doesn’t think about Sejeong, definitely doesn’t ask about her and quietly panics when Jaehwan offers to meet Sanghyuk for coffee. Sanghyuk comes alone, though, saying Nayoung stayed home to look after their kid. Hakyeon asks about it, wants pictures,  _ does not ask about Sejeong _ and tries to not be disappointed about it.)

*

At forty, Hakyeon is annoyingly weak for his friends which is probably why Taekwoon somehow manages to sweet talk him into helping with the choreography for a show choir contest. It’s not even the team from the school Taekwoon teaches at, but one from another town entirely - apparently the person who usually does choreography graduated and now Taekwoon himself is roped into doing a favour for a friend of a friend of a friend  _ or something _ . He keeps waving off Hakyeon’s questions each time he asks for more information about the show choir, or the team, or anything contest related. 

Jaehwan refuses to talk either but that’s not surprising - Jaehwan can be a stubborn little shit when he wants to be and dating Taekwoon has only heightened that. After they’d gotten over the initial jealousy (read: after  _ Jaehwan  _ had gotten over the initial jealousy) a few years ago, it hadn’t taken long at all for Jaehwan to start making increasingly frequent trips to the city. From then on it had been a sickeningly sweet disaster to Hakyeon’s fragile inner peace. Now he had to  _ fifth wheel _ on Taekwoon and Jaehwan and Hongbin and Wonshik’s double dates.

“Your dedication to helping this friend of yours is astounding.” Hakyeon tells Taekwoon as he reads the pamphlet advertising the show choir contest.

Taekwoon just laughs. “I got you on board, didn’t I?”

*

He listens to the song the team has chosen in his bed one night, trying to come up with something they could work with. It's a decidedly teeny song but the lyrics still struck something in him.

_ Maybe love isn’t always enough _

_ I'm missing you, that’s all I know _

He wants to laugh for relating to a song from a show choir contest. At forty. He does laugh out loud, but it sounds sad even to his own ears.

The lyricist probably meant people who’ve actually shared something, not lonely wannabes, who’ve given up before even trying. ( _ The age is no longer an issue, hasn’t been for a while now _ , Jaehwan keeps reminding him each time they talk and Hakyeon lets a question about Sejeong slip.  _ It’s too late for that already _ is always the answer.)

*

It’s the day Hakyeon is supposed to meet his new show choir class and their teacher but there’s a weirdly familiar throat clearing somewhere behind him and for a second Hakyeon wonders how can throat clearing even  _ be  _ familiar but it’s a fact and -

“Jaehwan?” Hakyeon stares, then stares some more, then promptly chokes the air out of Jaehwan in the world’s tightest hug.

“Air,” Jaehwan wheezes, laughing, but he hugs back anyway.

“What are you even doing here?”

“I came to see you, of course.” Jaehwan grins. “Also, I volunteered as moral support on someone’s first venture in the big city.”

Hakyeon’s about to ask more questions because why wasn’t he informed of this, they usually plan Jaehwan’s visits weeks in advance, when - he feels a sharp jolt of pain in his knee that has no real explanation. It goes with a yelp of pain coming from somewhere behind him. A feeling of dread crawls up his spine and Jaehwan is still grinning but there’s determination and also a hint of apology in his eyes.

“Hakyeon,” Jaehwan says, smile a little strained, “meet Kim Sejeong, the teacher accompanying the show choir. I believe you’ll get along well.”

*

They meet,  _ really meet _ , when Hakyeon is forty.

He tries his best to be careful but there’s only so much a man can do. Forty is a serious age even with his “immortal dancer body” (thanks, Jaehwan) and he is faced with a bunch of hormonal teenagers that have yet to learn what synchronization means.

It’s one misstep, a jolt of pain in his ankle and him failing to suppress the resulting hiss. It has Sejeong whipping her head up and staring at him. He can see her hand reaching towards her arm and he knows what’s to follow.

He has seconds to make a decision: keep lying, to her and to himself or - make it right. She might hate him, yes, but worst case scenario - they keep pretending to not be soulmates. What’s a little more pain in between? It’s a lie to say Hakyeon hasn’t thought about it, since the second Sejeong introduced herself with a shy smile two days ago.

It’s a split second decision and Hakyeon decides to face the music.

She pinches herself and he winces, lets it show on his face. It’s hard not to, really - the girl has a surprising amount of strength.

No, not girl, Hakyeon corrects himself. Woman.

He sighs and gives the kids a water break. Sejeong is still staring at him as he approaches.

Hakyeon steels his face and tries to keep the panic out of his voice. He smiles at her. “So, how about dinner after this?”

“You don’t sound surprised.” She states and her eyes narrow.

Hakyeon sighs. “I’m not. We were almost finished here anyway, we’ll just go over the routine one last time and then - then we can talk.”

Sejeong’s eyes narrow further. “You’ll go over the routine one more time? Are you joking right now?” She turns to the kids, most of which are sprawled on the floor. “We’re done here for today. Free time until 8pm, I want you all back at the hotel by then and keep your phones on you.”

They scatter immediately, loudly and one of the girls even gives Sejeong a smacking kiss on the cheek. She laughs and Hakyeon thinks laughter looks good on her - that is until her eyes settle back on him.

“Uh,” he tries, “I didn’t know they hated me so much.”

“Yeah, you’re kind of an ass.” She looks startled at her own words, but doesn’t take them back. Instead, she continues, “Or maybe I’m just projecting. Look, I’ll give you fifteen minutes to change or take a shower or whatever. Then you’re taking me out and we’re talking.”

Hakyeon nods and suppresses the urge to say  _ yes, ma’am _ .

*

She’s glaring daggers at him over her coffee.

Hakyeon clears his throat.

She says, “We’ve met.” Hakyeon nods. “You were Sanghyuk’s friend.” Hakyeon nods again.

“I like to think I still am.”

Sejeong waves a hand dismissively. “We met and you asked how old we are. You  _ knew _ . The pain - you pinched yourself, didn’t you?”

Hakyeon winces. “You remember that?”

“Asshole,” she grits her teeth. “I was crushing on you for  _ months _ . I wrote poems about your stupid smile and your dumb hair.”

“You… you did?” Hakyeon allows a small smile tug at his lips. “I wondered if you’d remember me.”

Her expression only darkens. “Did you now? Was it before or after you decided I’m not worthy of knowing about my own soulmate? Do you have any idea what it felt like watching everyone around me find their significant other and be happy, do you have any idea how it felt like watching my best friend’s kid and feeling - feeling jealousy?  _ Do you have any idea how it felt like? _ ”

“Yes.” Hakyeon says and he’s so, so tired. “Yes, I do.”

“If you didn’t want me,” her voice is small now and Hakyeon has no idea what to do, this is why he avoided it for so long - “If you didn’t want me,” she says again, “you should’ve just said so, all those years ago. I could have tried to piece my life together without you, instead of waiting around for someone who kicked me to the curb before he even tried to get to know me.”

“I didn’t -” Hakyeon takes a deep breath. Didn’t what? “I didn’t  _ want  _ to kick you to the curb. You...” she looks at him expectantly, but also a little resigned. He hates it. “You were  _ sixteen _ !” 

She laughs and it sounds choked. “I was sixteen? And you were what, twenty-two?  _ That  _ was why? I haven’t been sixteen for a while now, Hakyeon.”

“So everyone keeps telling me.” He sighs.

Sejeong’s eyes narrow again. “Everyone? Who else knows?”

Hakyeon’s fingers tighten around his mug. “Jaehwan? Don’t hold it against him, though. I made him swear to keep it a secret. And Taekwoon too. I should’ve known they’d try to pull something like this.”

“Was it really just the age difference?” She stirs her coffee slowly, staring at the liquid swirling in the cup. “You’ve had eighteen years, Hakyeon.”

“I...” And there it is. He has to give the potential woman of his life answers he hid from himself for years. “I was scared.” He lets the words sink in, mostly for his own sake. It’s been so long. “At first because the age difference - you were a child, I couldn’t take that away from you. Then, as the years passed it was just… fear. Fear of this, actually. Of you hating me for not giving you a choice, of me dooming myself to loneliness. It was easier to keep the fantasy of you than facing the possibility that we might never be.”

“I don’t hate you.” Sejeong says, and her voice is so small, again. Then she says, louder, “I don’t hate you. I am really, really mad at you, and I think you’re an asshole, but I don’t hate you.”

There’s something blooming in Hakyeon’s heart. It feels suspiciously like hope.

“It’s going to take a lot to make it up to me, though.” Her eyes soften, but her expression remains unchanged. “Sixteen year old me might have fallen at your feet given the chance, but thirty-four year old me needs a lot more than a pretty smile in a coffee shop.”

“Okay,” Hakyeon says, and breathing feels easier than it has for the past eighteen years. “Okay, I can do that.”

*

(“Hey,” Hakyeon says one night as he’s walking Sejeong back to her hotel from their date, “how do you feel about painkillers?”

She raises her eyebrows, then bursts out laughing. “Of course you can feel that. I’m allergic to most painkiller ingredients, actually. And to be honest, considering how much of a dick you’ve been, you deserve the suffering.”

“Oh come on,” Hakyeon pouts, “haven’t I proven myself over the last two months?”

Sejeong giggles. “Nope! I did tell you it will take a lot to make it up to me.”

Later, when Hakyeon complains at Taekwoon about sadistic soulmates, the asshole just laughs at him.)

**Author's Note:**

> below you can find a remix of this story (that i'm in love with with all my heart, really, go read it (i mean if you want (but _really_ )))

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [yolk](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12058959) by [yoonbot (iverins)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/iverins/pseuds/yoonbot)




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